Uptown Bourgeois is an art space for the creative works of freelance writer, editor, author, and content creator Jefferey Spivey.
Will Forte's half-shaved head and face thing...is not a thing

Will Forte's half-shaved head and face thing...is not a thing

Will Forte half shaved front
Will Forte half shaved back

I know you've seen the pics.  Will Forte showed up to a Fox Television Critics Association party with half of his head and face shaved.  Yes, you read that right.  Half of his hair, eyebrows, and facial hair was completely gone while the remainder of his almost shoulder-length hair and fully grown beard remained untouched.  I'm praying that this is just part of a publicity stunt for Last Man on Earth.  But judging by the way this photo is trending, I get the uneasy feeling that some of you might attempt this to get some extra likes on Instagram.  Or one of you might be having a rough day and decide to make a instantaneous change as part of the quest to discover the new you.  Please don't.  Let's discuss why you shouldn't do this:

1. You are not famous.

Zooey Deschanel Will Forte half shaved GIF

The only people that can get away with this type of thing are famous people.  If you show up to work on Monday morning with half of all your hair missing, everyone will think you're completely crazy.  And you might get a few involuntary days off to get yourself together.  You may not think it's weird, but trust me, everyone else does.

2. You'll need two morning routines.

Two Face GIF Will Forte half shaved

I know, I know.  First world problems.  But think about it.  Half of your face is covered with hair.  You need gel, beard oil, brushes, and combs to get that half looking presentable.  Then, you need a completely different set of skin care products to treat your newly exposed skin.  It is winter, you know.  And without your extra layers of protection, your other half needs reinforcement for the winter chill.

3. You might develop split personalities.

American Psycho GIF Will Forte half shaved

Be real with yourself.  The clean-shaven right side of you is the gentleman of gentlemen.  He's a fine wine-drinking, tuxedo-wearing, entrepreneur who could charm the pants off anyone.  The lumberjack left side is a rugged, bourbon-swishing, f-bomb dropper who eats chicken with his bare hands.  These are very different people who exist inside of you.  You might be able to use two skin care routines, but you can't split into two different bodies.  If you don't shave half your head and face, you don't have to figure this out.

4. You'll be insta-infamous.

Zoolander GIF Will Forte half shaved

And while that might sound cool, these photos will be meant for ridicule and ridicule only.  You know those people who slyly rest their cell phones on their knees to snap incognito photos of ridiculous people who are sleeping on the subway or wearing hideous outfits? Those people will be snapping pics of you.  To post on Instagram.  To make fun of you.  You'll be instafamous alright. Just for all the wrong reasons.

5. There are other ways to work out your quarter-life crisis.

Gossip Girl Blair GIF Will Forte half shaved

Trust me, no one really knows what they want to do with their lives at this age.  How is shaving half your face and head going to help you solve that?  The same way midlife crises are defined by dating someone 20 years younger and buying tiny, expensive sportscars, quarter-life crises are characterized by daring lifestyle changes.  Start going to Soulcycle or get a new job or go vegan, but please please please don't shave off half your face and hair.  A bad moment of judgment can lead to a IG feed's worth of regret.  And trust me, those photos NEVER go away.

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