Uptown Bourgeois is an art space for the creative works of freelance writer, editor, author, and content creator Jefferey Spivey.

5 Reasons Why Adam Levine's Back Tattoo Won't Work For You

You've seen it.  Adam Levine recently revealed the skin art masterpiece that occupies his entire back.  And you've seen how men and women alike have been swooning.  The tattoo, which is the result of a 6 month project, has been liked more than 235,000 times on IG with more than 6,000 comments (the bulk of which are overwhelmingly positive save for the highly critical one shown above).  This is arguably the edgiest thing about Maroon 5 that I've ever seen.  So now you're thinking, "I've always wanted to get a tattoo.  Maybe this is the way to go." Or you're thinking, "I have a couple small ones. But I've always wanted more.  Maybe this is the way to go."  Well, gentlemen, let me assure you this is absolutely not the way to go.  For a multitude of reasons.  But I'll stick to five main points.

1. You are not famous.

Like me, you're just a regular dude.  You don't have the time to dedicate to planning a tattoo as elaborate as this one.  It's probably expensive as all hell, and I'm sure there are other ways you could spend your money.  Since you don't have royalties pouring in from "Moves Like Jagger".  Plus, it's a lot of work for you and maybe one other person to see.

2. You aren't constantly photographed without a shirt.

Maybe there are some of you reading this that walk around your neighborhoods shirtless on a daily basis.  And if that's the case, then good for you (in my frustrated Christian Bale voice).  But I'm willing to bet that most of us are confined to keeping our torsos covered with a shirt in public.  And because of this, this tattoo seems like a LOT of work considering that you and your significant other may be the only ones that see it.  And even so, you'd have to stand in front of the mirror with your neck twisted. So...

3. It probably won't look cool on you.

Let's be honest.  The kind of guys who usually rock these tattoos are not in Top 40 pop bands.  They're more of the biker gang variety.  You know, Harleys, leather, whiskey, and all that stuff.  Sons of Anarchy type dudes.  If you suit up everyday and work in a cubicle, odds are this isn't the move for you.

4. This may be the ultimate test of your pain threshold.

I have two very small tattoos on both my wrists.  And though I was able to dig deep and get through it, it hurt like hell.  I can only imagine what tattooing my entire back would feel like.  Like someone writing a manuscript on my back with an X-Acto knife. Ouch!

5. In 6 months' time, you could be the next Einstein.

Do you realize what you could do in 6 months' time instead of designing a tattoo? You could design your dream house. You could plan to change your career.  You could write a book! You could come up with a theory that makes you the next Einstein. There's so much you could do in that time instead of crafting a tattoo that hardly anyone will see.  Seriously, if you could invest that much time into the meticulous detail of a tattoo, there's so much other mind-blowing shit you could achieve.  Channel your energy!

So please.  Think twice before you start cooking up your latest attempt to be cool.  Hopefully, this saves you some money, pain, and sweet, precious time.  Besides, you don't want to end up in this book about the Most F***king Ridiculous Tattoos Ever. You're welcome.

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