The 2016 Campaign Season has been a wild ride. From The Kentucky Derby style lineup of candidates on the GOP side to the seemingly endless string of debates on both sides, the one thing this election cycle hasn't been short on is comedy. While selecting the next President of the United States is a gravely important matter, one can't help but chuckle at all the theatrics that have taken place over the last few months. If you don't laugh, you may end up crying because choosing such an important leadership position shouldn't be so entertaining. House of Cards has gone from a satirical send up of the political system to an eerily foreshadowing mockumentary. Where politicians were once the beacon of social etiquette, the debate stages now resemble drunken frat house standoffs. And concerning the male candidates specifically, this election cycle is turning into nothing more than a pissing contest between aging gorillas that insist on continuing to beat their chests. The damaged masculinity on display, while amusing, is actually pretty dangerous and embarrassing to view. But it has opened my eyes to a entirely new view on the public discourse of successful men. I've learned a lot so far in the 2016 campaign season. Do you agree?
1. If you don’t agree with someone, punch them in the face.
This seems to be a method of thinking supported by Donald Trump and his followers. This is a man who's publicly declared he could shoot someone in the face and still maintain his lead in the polls. At the first inkling of a protestor at one his rallies, he has them removed. He's even been recorded saying he wanted to punch one the protestors in the face. Well, don't worry Donald. One of your supporters took care of that for you.
2. If you want to increase your chances of making it to the White House, eat a booger on live television. (Here’s looking at you, Ted Cruz)
Say what you will, there was some mysterious white object on Ted Cruz's lip during the March 3 debate. And that mysterious white object disappeared into his mouth while he was speaking. There's no scientific evidence to support the claim, but if it looks like a booger...
3. You can be a statesman and still talk about your dick size.
Yes, back to Trump again. In case anyone was wondering, Donald Trump apparently has a big penis. Maybe that part of the election requirements stays under wraps. Perhaps measurement submissions are now part of the White House bylaws.
4. You can be a statesman and talk about your opponent’s dick size.
Let's not forget that all this dick talk started because Marco Rubio broached the topic while getting his supporters riled up at one of his rallies. Was he petitioning to be the next leader of our country or testing out new standup material?
5. You don’t have to wait your turn to speak. You can just scream over everyone else.
I know, I'm being pretty tough on the Republicans. But even Hillary and Bernie have tremendous issues waiting their turn to speak. All these years, everyone has been preaching the values of active listening. But apparently, to occupy the most important position in the country, you just need to be heard. Even at the expense of looking like a jackass on national television.
6. If a reporter asks you tough questions, just make fun of their physical appearance.
It's that old schoolyard trick. When someone threatens you, you dive deep into your ignorance instead of matching their wit and intelligence. Remember back in November when Trump mocked reporter Serge Kovaleski, who suffers from a congenital joint condition called arthrogryposis? Yeah, the perfect example of how to behave like a elementary school bully.
7. Don’t let experience get in the way of your dreams.
We all know Trump has no political experience. But let us not forget about the others. What about Ben Carson's experience? Oh yeah, he has none. He has strong political opinions but no actual political work under his belt. He may be a top notch surgeon, but I'm unsure how those skills are transferrable to The White House. And Mr. Rubio-now, he's actually held political office before and has many years of experience under his belt. But compared to his significantly older counterparts, he's the little engine that could.
8. You can still be successful even if you’ve hit your mother over the head with a hammer.
For some reason, Dr. Carson thought this troubled childhood narrative was going to help him. I don't care how you spin it, attacking your mother with a tool doesn't bode well for a candidate on either side of the election.
9. In opposition of what you’ve been taught your entire life, bigotry is a valuable asset in appealing to the masses.
A benchmark of Trump's mega-successful campaign has been tapping into middle America's fear of Muslims and staunch opposition of immigration. His generalized remarks about Mexicans and threat to build a wall along the Mexican border have sparked some outrage. But in a scary twist of events, those views actually helped push him to the top of the heap. Apparently, the more bigoted the opinion, the more in sync you are with the heart of America.
10. When all else fails to stop an opponent, you can always institute the long-standing drag tradition of the read.
Mitt Romney's anti-Trump speech was a last-ditch effort to take down the Republican frontrunner before heading into some important primaries and caucuses. It was an epic takedown that, though a little bit late in the game, was a joy to watch. It was a political interpretation of a read. And Romney read Trump for filth. That's for sure. Doesn't seem like it worked at all in slowing his momentum. But it created an opportunity for Jason Sudeikis to return to SNL. And that's all that really matters.