Uptown Bourgeois is an arts, news, and culture blog created by New York-based freelance writer Jefferey Spivey. UB explores universal themes through a black, queer lens. 

5 Reasons Ben Affleck's Back Tattoo Won't Work For You (Or Anyone...Including Him)

Unedited image from FameFlynet

Unedited image from FameFlynet

I'm not sure what's going on with this whole celebrity back tattoo craze, but apparently Adam Levine wasn't the only guy to go full-on biker.  Back in December, Ben Affleck was photographed on the set of a new film with a life size phoenix tat covering his entire back.  Full of color and detail, the ginormous tattoo is like something out of one those paperback fantasy novels.  And it kind of seems like one of those mid-life crisis moves.  The tattoo recently made headlines again when Jennifer Lopez spoke about how awful it was on Watch What Happens Live.  Andy Cohen walked her into right into the shade trap, and because of it, it's like December 2015 all over again.  But just like I advised against Levine's back art, I doubly caution you to steer clear of a tattoo like this.

1. The aesthetic is a bit...unique.

You know, unique.  Different.  Unique is one of those descriptive words people use when they think something is ugly but don't want to hurt someone's feelings.  If you got this tattoo, people would tell you that it's unique.  And that bold-faced lie would hurt more than the truth.

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2. It doesn't even work for him.

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C'mon Ben! You're an actor, and you've just created a 5-10 hour movie makeup obstacle for every project where you have to show your back.  Which I'm sure is almost every project you're a part of.  And on top of your professional troubles, no one likes it! It's news for all the wrong reasons.

3. You should start small.

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If you're considering venturing into the world of tattoos, start small.  Get a feel for the pain before you decide to decorate your entire body like a wall of graffiti art.  Because it hurts even in small doses.  A tat of this magnitude has to go, like, 5 steps further than hurt.  To a new realm of hurt possibility.  And who wants to suffer that for a tat that no one will ever see or appreciate?

4. It won't make you cool.

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Ben Affleck is a hugely successful actor, writer, and director in Hollywood.  And if anything, this tattoo has made him the butt of many jokes.  He has been publicly shamed.  It didn't make him cool.  So for you, average joe that nobody knows, what do you think is going to happen?

5. There are other ways to explore your crisis.

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Feel like you need a change? Want to do something different? Take a different block on your walk to work.  Buy a new coat.  Book a spontaneous trip to Rome.  Buy something or do something that you can take off or leave behind.  Don't make a dumb split second decision that can be very expensive to partially remove.

Hopefully this is my last warning for you about back tattoos.  Class dismissed.

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