Based in Sydney, Australia, Foundry is a blog by Rebecca Thao. Her posts explore modern architecture through photos and quotes by influential architects, engineers, and artists.

I'm Not Inviting You To The Wedding

I'm Not Inviting You To The Wedding

If there’s one thing that’s true about weddings, you need a boatload of money to pull it off the traditional way.  But considering that neither I nor my wedding are traditional, my fiancé and I have found ways to circumvent the tremendous expenses associated with most weddings: by keeping things simple.  And by simple, I mean small. Like so small that maybe 1/10 of the people who liked my Facebook engagement post will be able to attend.  But the size of the wedding party has nothing to do with why I’m not inviting this particular person.

For the purpose of this article, I’ll simply refer to this friend as X.  X hasn’t been particularly supportive since the very beginning of my relationship.  When I first told her about my then-boyfriend, her immediate response was ‘When will it be my turn?’.  Though she followed up that statement with a vaguely sincere ‘But really, I’m happy for you,’ it was her initial statement that was a true indication of how she felt.

"I’ve learned that not all friendships are meant to last forever.  Some people are intended to ride out the years with you until your deathbed while others enter your life for just a blip."

Whereas all of my other close friends have seamlessly blended into my coupled life (sometimes having dinner or drinks with both of us; sometimes just me), X has gone out of her way to exclude herself.  We’ve gotten into text spats over whether or not I should bring my boyfriend to dinner.  She has requested that I show up alone to dinners with her and leave him at home.  She’s even told me that I’ve changed since getting into a relationship.  Which is funny because no one else I know seems to agree with her.

Over the years, I’ve learned that not all friendships are meant to last forever.  Some people are intended to ride out the years with you until your deathbed while others enter your life for just a blip.  Prior to getting into a long-term relationship, I was ready to distance myself from X.  I’d taken great pains to remove people from my life that dwelled on negativity but never made any necessary adjustments to change their lives.  X was precisely one of those people that needed to be removed.  But rather than tell her this, I just slowly started to distance myself.

I was in the process of ghosting when X was hospitalized with a pretty serious illness.  Over the two weeks that she was in the hospital, I was planning to move in with my boyfriend and head to Puerto Rico for summer vacation.  But it wasn’t the distractions of a pending move or vacation that kept me away from the hospital.  I honestly felt that visiting her would send a message that I wanted to keep things going.  Staying away would show her how I really felt.

 "I simply can’t risk inviting a miserable person into a happy space."

X interpreted this as a friendship foul.  And rightfully so.  But she blamed it on my relationship, willingly overlooking the strained state of our friendship.  She wanted things to go back to normal.  But they never did.  I haven’t seen X in over 6 months, and there have been exactly 3 text message conversations between us that lasted about 5 minutes each.  Neither one of us is exerting any effort to keep things going.  We’re simply settling for watching each other’s lives from a distance on social media.

And it’s on social media that she’ll find out the details of my wedding.  Because she isn’t invited.  Traditional or not, your wedding day is meant to be a day filled with joy.  A day in which you’re surrounded by people who are truly happy for you.  There is no place for negativity.  There is no place for judgment.  I simply can’t risk inviting a miserable person into a happy space.

The hospital visit was the warning shot.  But it’s the missing wedding invite that will really drive home the message.  For the foreseeable future, I’m perfectly fine seeing X in my Instagram feed and nowhere else.

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